You might be thinking: “Saying "no" to a feature request is stressful, sure, BUT it’s not like someone’s life is on the line”.

But think about it—if you can learn from an expert who had to negotiate with dangerous criminals in high stake situations, it’ll make negotiating feature requests a piece of cake in comparison.

That’s where FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss and his book, Never Split the Difference, comes in. I found some examples that’s surprisingly applicable for managing day-to-day requests as a product team.

Here’s how you can apply his Tactical Empathy framework to reject feature requests without burning bridges:

Seek first to understand, then to be understood

It’s not easy to listen well.

The FBI would have more than one person listening on the negotiation calls to pick up clues and subtle information that can be easily missed.

Why? Because:

• We are easily distracted (George A. Miller’s psychology research revealed that humans can only process 7 pieces of information at a time)
• We get into selective listening
• Our minds give in to cognitive biases for consistency rather than the truth

Both sides of the negotiation have voices in their heads that are distracting them from the truth. The only way to calm them down is to do active listening and show the other party that they’re being heard.

To do that, you need to:

• Identify what they need
• Assure them that it’s safe to talk about what they want

Here are a few tactics that you can you use:

1. Mirroring

As humans, we fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding.

Mirroring can help:

• Keep people talking
• Buy you time to regroup/think
• Encourage empathy from the other side
• Encourage people to reveal their strategy (without realizing it)

How to apply:

Repeat back the last 3 words (or critical 1-3 words) of what someone just said.

Example:

2. Labeling

“Separate people from the problem!”.

That’s what most academics and researchers used to say. They think emotions should be ignored in negotiations. But how can you separate people from the problem when their emotions ARE the problem?

Emotions aren’t obstacles, they’re tools.

A good negotiator would identify and influence emotions instead of ignoring them.

Labeling is the act of validating someone’s emotions by acknowledging it.

How to apply:

Step 1: Identify the emotion

• Observe:
  • Voice
  • Words
  • Body language
• If you ask someone about their work and he says: “It’s OK” but he is frowning, that tells you that they’re actually not happy.

Step 2: Label the emotion

• Ways to label:
  • “It sounds like…”
  • “It seems like…”
  • “It looks like…”
• It’s important to label things in a neutral way (avoid saying: “I think that”).
  • “I” ← you’re interested in yourself
  • “It” ← you’re interested in the situation

Step 3: Silence

• We all tend to expand on the things we’ve said, but a label’s power is to allow the person to reveal more information.

Example:

3. Accusation audit

Most people anticipate a negotiation to start with persuasion or arguments in favor of one side.

But if you start a negotiation by acknowledging any negative perception the other person might have about you, you can disarm any tension upfront and quickly build trust.

This “accusation audit” works because it:

• Create psychological safety so that others can openly talk about sensitive topics
• Addresses the elephant in the room early before it becomes more awkward
• Reframes it from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem”

People often expect their concerns to be dismissed or downplayed. An accusation audit makes the other party feel heard and respected, making them more likely to reciprocate (pay back) the same openness.

How to Apply: Start by listing potential concerns the other person might have and address them openly.

Example:

4. Seeking “no” responses

Getting a “no” can feel counterintuitive, but it often makes the other person feel more in control.

Jim Camp’s book - Start with No, revealed that people will fight to the death to preserve their right to say “no” (he calls it “the right to veto”). By giving people the right to say “no”, they feel their human right for autonomy fulfilled and they become more open to collaboration.

Change is scary and saying “no” gives people a little protection from that scariness.

“No” doesn’t always mean a rejection. It could mean:

• I don’t understand
• I want something else
• I need more information
• I’m not yet ready to agree
• I don’t think I can afford it
• I want to talk with someone else
• You’re making me uncomfortable

How to apply: Instead of asking, “Do you agree?” try phrasing it as, “Would it be a mistake to consider a different solution?”

Example:

How this might look like in action

Customer Success Manager (Stakeholder):

“We need a real-time data dashboard in our CRM immediately. We’re losing renewal opportunities.”

Product Manager (using mirroring):

“Losing renewal opportunities?”

Customer Success Manager:

“Yes! Right now, our customer success reps spend hours piecing together data from different sources just to figure out which accounts are at risk. By the time they’re done, it’s usually too late to take action.”

Product Manager (using labeling):

“It sounds like the manual process is slowing your team down and making it harder to be proactive at preventing churn.”

Customer Success Manager:

“Exactly! If we had a real-time dashboard in the CRM, we could focus on actually helping customers instead of wasting time pulling data together.”

Product Manager (using accusation audit):

“I hear you. Listen, you might think I’m just here to say no to your request, but my goal is to find a way to help your team solve this problem as quickly as possible.”

Product Manager (seeking ‘no’ responses):

“Would it be a mistake to explore a simpler solution that can help your team immediately instead of waiting for a full-fledge feature to be built?”

Customer Success Manager:

“No, that wouldn’t be a mistake, but what do you have in mind?”

Product Manager:

“Instead of building a full dashboard right away, we could start with a CSV export that automatically pulls key data points—like customer health scores, renewal dates, and usage stats—into a spreadsheet.

It’s not real-time, but it would dramatically reduce the time your team spends compiling data and help them act on churn risks faster.

How does that sound?”

Customer Success Manager:

“That could work as a stopgap. Let’s try it out, but I still want to discuss what the full dashboard might look like for the future.”

Product Manager:

“Sounds good! But one thing at a time. Let’s finalize the list of data points you need for the CSV export first.”

Wrap up

Saying “no” doesn’t have to mean shutting down a stakeholder’s request.

Approach these conversations with empathy, clarity, and confidence using Chris Voss’s Tactical Empathy:

• Listen actively and mirror
• Label and acknowledge their emotions
• Use acquisition audit to deal with elephant in the room early
• Let them say “no” to give them more control and protection from uncertainty

Now it’s your turn—what’s your biggest challenge when it comes to rejecting feature requests?

Reply and let me know!